How many times should we whack him?

My butler, Hopkins, is suffering from a bout of amnesia after the dining room chandalier fell on him this morning. He know believes himself to be the Master of the House, that the Duchess is his wife and that I am his butler (!).



Having quite swiftly tired of playing this charade, I found an old medical journal asserting that sharp blows on the head are a cure for amnesia. It doesn't say however how many are needed.



So how many times, and with what sort of object, should we hit him over the head to cure his malaise?How many times should we whack him?
Hmmmm given the height from the ceiling, and the amount of lead crystal. I would suggest that you either repeat the experience for him, or alternatively drop him head first, from the highest floor of your east wing......

The only problem is that his already diminutive stature, pre chandelier, will cause him to be approx. 3 feet high once the operation is completed. I fear this may cause you difficulties. when he pours the claret.....

Are there any other duties he could perform, on you once he would reach approx crotch height ?
hahaha the same number of candles as are on your dining table in the grand hall and then multiply this number by the number of paintings in the gallary and that is the amount of times it is correct to cure your butler. i think that an ideal object would be a silver teapot. very british and if it still has scolding hot tea in it this is an added bonus. or a cricket bat aslo very british.



very well old chap!How many times should we whack him?
Well my goodness! What a jolly coincidence!



Only one fortnight ago a very similar predicament befell our Chauffeur, Parker, at the local village Polo Tournament.



I have no sympathy at all of course. His resulting mental instability is entirely of his own making.



The Earl had insisted that they take the Bentley to meet the Marquess and Marchioness Muchenfibbing for high-tea. All was proceeding swimmingly, until the Archduke's thoroughbred, roan pony leapt the fence and galloped apace towards our truly flabbergasted retinue.



In the resulting melee, Parker, most foolishly, stood within the path of the aforementioned pony's right, rear hoof. An utterly ridiculous place to stand you will agree. Acquired brain dysfunction is not something I will tolerate in my staff and I suggest you do the same as I. Place your Hopkins with Parker in the institution which came highly recommended to me. (One of the Marquess' valets has abided there since his accident on the servant quarter's staircase).



I personally cannot tolerate the lack of consideration my staff continually demonstrate. Do they truly comprehend the utter hardships one has to face without a Chaffeur, or Butler, for instance? The whole intolerable episode has caused much chagrin.



With the Kindest of Regards
um hit him over the head will just cause more injury and make the amnesia last longer. Show him proof that he is who he is and that you are who you are and retell him over and over. The brain has to heal on its own and in the mean while hire a new butler so Hopkins can rest and recover. DO NOT HIT HIM IT COULD KILL HIM !!!!How many times should we whack him?
lay him gently on the floor in the recovery position, ensuring that he is comfortable and then whack him at the base of the scull with a nine iron several times or so. It should work but if it doesn't so what, you will have improved your short iron swing.
You should use a poker to whack the amnesia out of him old boy as to how many times well till he stops twitching of course. I think this should prove most satisfactory to everyone........well to everyone who counts, namely you and your good lady wife. Tip top (Whack)
Its and OLD medical journal. Its OLD and its most likley folklore. take him to the doctors. Dont hit him ovcer the head, as it can cuase ever more brain damage.
Our Dad always cured our amnesia with a few hard slaps on our bare bottom with his leather slipper!

Tell the butler to drop his trousers and see if that does the trick!!!
10 x
I would try and arrange to get yourself a life.
Chalfont; that is SO proletarian, surely you say this in jest, old man. You will attain the best results by dropping a porcelain pot (Sevres or Minton, whichever you have about the manse) from a height of not less than 50 feet (an upstairs window will do nicely) containing (and this is VERY important to the success of your goal) an orchid plant that is considered to be very exotic and difficult to raise, I suggest any one of the following:

Lipstick Phalaenopsis, Aerangis rhodosticta Calochilus robertsonii Cattleya granulosa Dendrobium coelogne Equitant oncidiuml; well, you get the idea, check with your man.

Place Hopkins in a comfortable lawn chair or settee and give him something to read, e.g., (Thomas Percy) Bishop Percy's Folio Manuscript. 1867. First edition of the original folio manuscript bound in full brown morocco-gilt, copy belonging to William Morris, with his armorial bookplates and annotations in his hand;

John Locke. Works 1714, First edition of the collected works of Locke; Illuminated Manuscript Leaf. Circa 1450. Splendid 15th-century miniature depicting King David, with elaborate borders, generously rendered with gold and lapis lazuli.

You get the general idea, what?

When Hopkins is thus engaged, proceed to drop the orchid pot directly onto his head. Guaranteed to bring him out of his temporary malaise and set him aright once again.

DO keep in touch and let me know the outcome, old man, I already confess to feeling a frisson of anticipatory delight in the aforementioned proceedings...